It might sound like I’m trite or self-absorbed to hear me say that my goal is to grow braver. But I live in a place where my world can instantly become unhinged, and when it does, it is emotionally debilitating for Robert and me. So finding a way to tap into courage and move past my vulnerability is imperative every day.
My son is quickly entering adolescence. This can strike fear on its own for parents who have survived this and understand what the next few years will be like with a budding teenager in the house. We have to add to the mix of hormones and social development, his Anxiety and Autism, and it is like having a walking time bomb in the house.
As I’m writing today, my general mood is unsettled, angry, and sad. If I’m going, to be honest, I also have to admit that I’m scared. Actually, that is probably the main reason I’m feeling all of the other emotions, to begin with.
We have been trying to put a variety of supports in place for our son Luke since he was a toddler. We added a medication plan when he was five and a half years old to help him focus and be more successful in school. Over time his medication regiment has been refined to add support for his Anxiety and Mood Swings. He has also been the fortunate beneficiary of specialized tutoring to help him learn to read when the school would not address his Dyslexia. We have worked to curb behaviors and support positive self-esteem with counseling and overarching parental assistance.
You would think that with all of the assistance we have garnered and provided over the years that he would be steadily improving, but in too many areas, the gaps are only widening. As he grows it feels like the bridges we have put in place for him are crashing down, and it is getting harder for us to help him. He needs specialized care and support and finding that care is formidable. The few places that offer the type of care he needs have long waiting lists, and many do not accept insurance.
It saddens me further when I think of the many families that are dealing with many of the same issues with their children and face the burden of fewer personal and community resources than we have available to us.
At this point in my post, I could go off in one of several directions:
How explosive behavior coming from your child can wreak havoc on marriage and family relationships. How our government should be working harder to provide services to our disabled children and adults. How schools should be a more significant part of the solution instead of a system of roadblocks that often end in dead ends for students and families. How being the primary caregiver of a family member with a significant disability usually brings both emotional and physical pain to the parent most often providing direct care. How I worry about what the future holds for my son if we don’t find a way to help him manage his emotions and behaviors. How I feel guilty for feeling sad and angry when I have so many other wonderful things in my life like having a healthy newborn granddaughter, and a husband that makes me smile and is supportive.
Today, I will hold in the diatribe that would be forthcoming with any of the topics I just mentioned. Instead, my focus must be on pushing through today’s storm. I’ll find some consolation with my friends and gather up my strength. If I can, I’ll find the time to indulge in a little self-care, maybe a bubble bath. I will look for the small wins today, and I’ll make the best choices I can when the challenges arise and continue to hope for better tomorrows.
This is what growing braver looks like on this day in my life, and I bet it is the same for you as you face your worries and fears, whatever they may be.
