In an instant life changes. Most of the time we can correct our course and get back on track relatively quickly. Sometimes the changes are life-altering. Sometimes the changes are life ending. Yesterday was not a great day for Luke in school. He had his first significant issue, and he will suffer the consequences of his actions and behavior for the next few weeks, but he will have the opportunity to earn back his privileges. He has the advantage of starting over with a supportive team of teachers, counselors and his, of course, his parents. We have worked tirelessly to build a foundation where he has safety nets in place.
Later in the day, I was visiting my daughter at her group home and noticed a staff member appeared distressed. I was unaware of the circumstances at the moment as I looked her in the eye and offered a hug of support. She gladly accepted my embrace and took a deep breath. She explained her mother was in critical condition at the hospital and she was anxiously awaiting the evening staff to arrive so she could go and check on her. She was unclear what the next few hours would reveal. I was glad that I had leaned into that moment and offered encouragement.
Yesterday, life changed in a much broader way for a family friend. The funeral service was held for a young father whose life ended unexpectedly last week, leaving behind his wife and four children. Now our friends begin learning how to live without a father, friend, husband, and breadwinner. A community of friends and well-wishers are working to ease this pain. Last night as we prepared for bed I held tight to my husband and told him how much I valued him, what a good father he was to our children, how proud I was of his achievements, and how I prayed for a long future together.
Today is also the anniversary of 9/11, a day that not only ended lives, but collectively altered our worldly perceptions, daily habits, and feelings of security. I feel a viscous grief hanging in the air as I wake and help Luke start his day. The emotions run back as I listen to the radio. My favorite SiriusXM station plays the opening song from “Come From Away,” a Broadway show about an airplane that was grounded in Newfoundland on 9/11 for days until the airspace was clear to open again. Perfect strangers in Gander, “The Rock”, opened their homes to the stranded travelers of thirty-eight aircraft, and many began lifelong relationships out of this tragedy.
On the way to school, I offered Luke a reminder that on this day, while he wasn’t born yet, lives were suddenly taken from their friends and families and it was a day to be mindful, thankful and gracious to others. We spoke about kindness and compassion and how those two gifts have the power to change outcomes every day and can lead to more significant changes in the world.
The Greek Philosopher Heraclitus is famous for saying “The only thing that is constant is change.” and “No man ever steps in the same river twice.” The point that we hear made when we are facing new challenges is that we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can choose how to respond at the moment and how to shape the future. I would like to add something that takes Heraclitus’s thoughts a little further because we are commonly told: “Life happens, just deal with it.”
There are a few things that we can control that will benefit us when dealing with change. We can create routines, habits, and relationships that assist us with support and balance us during those times that are most trying. In other words, we can forge a foundation with pillars to hold us up when we need to be bolstered. The critical factor here is that you can’t wait until you are in crisis to do this. Invest some time in your health, friendships, self-care, and future planning today. Build your team and relationship infrastructure so it can hold you up when you need relief. How do you do this? Schedule time, show up and give your support when one of your pillars needs help. Be the kindness, compassion, and grace the world needs and it will create a foundation of strength in return.
If you are feeling alone, or not sure where to start building your foundation, I have three steps to get you started. First, let me recommend you begin by completing my 5×5 Appraisal. This appraisal will help you identify the people, places, and activities you might want to add to your life to shore up your pillars. Secondly, check in with your circle of friends and family. Is there something you can do to help one of them? Offer a hug, help to make a connection, let them know they aren’t alone and you have their back. Thirdly, if you have a need, tell someone. Technology has come a long way, but there isn’t an app for mind reading. Don’t assume that everyone knows how you are feeling. Asking for assistance is a fruitful way to get help.